Dear fans, at this festive time of year, I have decided to
treat the world to my views on the European Union and what a nefarious
influence it is on us all. The British press refuse to give you the true facts
about how ghastly the EU is, despite the fact that recent polls show that 100%
of the British people wish to leave the EU. Before I give you these facts, I
would like to state that I do not support these people who call themselves the
UKIP-pers. I have found them to be a bunch of hysterical and vile plebs. I am a
lifelong supporter of the Tory Party, and I could never dishonour the legacy of
the great Baroness Thatcher by leaving the party.
Here are the facts about the EU. Once you have read them, I
am sure you will be amazed at the horrific nature of the EU, and will hate the
maniacs who run it.
Fact 1: The EU kills cancer patients.
The EU has a law which states that only a certain amount of
cancer patients can receive life saving drugs. The reason for this is some kind
of French scam, designed by Paris based drug companies. What a disgrace!
Remember this the next time a friend or relative gets the dreaded cancer. The
EU is killing your friends and relatives!
Fact 2: The EU hates fox hunting.
Foxes are protected under EU law, which means even if our
glorious parliament repealed the fox hunting ban, EU jobsworths would try to
stop us hunting foxes. Foxes are a natural ally for the maniacs who run the EU.
Sly, devious and cunning; EU maniacs are the human versions of foxes. The
ability to hunt a fox is an ancient English right, and the restoration of this
right is probably the most compelling argument for leaving the EU.
Fact 3: The EU costs the UK economy £7 trillion a year.
EU laws make UK business extremely uncompetitive. As a
Captain of Industry, I know this first hand. EU laws give plebs too many
rights, and by leaving the EU our economy would be liberated. We would be a
shining example of free market economics, banishing Marxist economics forever.
Fact 4: The EU is run by German maniacs.
The British Empire has fought two wars against the Germans (who
have always been jealous of our imperial might). Since they cannot defeat us on
the battlefield, they have decided to create the EU (with the collaboration of
the devious and arrogant French). On the whole the Germans are a beastly bunch,
the men are fat and mad, and the women have the dubious honour of being the
most muscular and hairy in Europe. I have only ever admired one German, Adolf
Hitler (mostly for his motorway building abilities).
Fact 5: The EU is turning British children gay with French
milk.
The British people are great fans of drinking milk. So it is
no surprise the French have decided to use our love of milk to attack us. In
modern Britain there has been a shocking rise in cases of homosexuality. It is
no coincidence that this has coincided with greater integration into the EU.
The UK imports large amounts of French milk. When I heard about how much French
milk we import, I immediately employed the services of a leading African
scientist from Lagos, Nigeria to test the milk. I had a funny feeling that the
French were tampering with the milk they send us. My suspicions were proved
correct. The French give the cows they use to produce the export milk female hormones;
these animals are pumped to high heaven with female chemicals. These hormones
make their way into the milk, which is then consumed by British children. It
has no effect on girls since they are already female, but the effect it has on
young lads is horrifying. It turns them into camp homosexuals, who then go on
to lead “homofabulous” lifestyles. As a consequence, the British Army cannot
recruit these lads into the ranks, and our ability to defend our Empire
militarily is compromised. Eventually, we will be defenceless, and the Germans
(maybe even the Italians) will invade and conquer our country!
These indisputable facts demonstrate how dangerous the EU
is, and why we must leave it immediately. I will be passing these facts to the
Prime Minister, which I have no doubt will finally persuade him to hold a
referendum on EU membership. It is our only hope if we wish to survive as a
free country.
England and St George!
SIR PETER MAXWELL
